Thanking God for the Dryness

The Floor of Death Valley – By Paxson Woelber (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

So many people have written about spiritual dryness in ways far superior to what I could probably do. Jennifer Fulwiler wrote recently about it, describing it as a mid-life crisis that, at the root, is about a growing understanding that God is the only thing we will have left in the end:

At least for me, a mid-life crisis is nothing more or less than a realization that every day brings us a little closer to that point when all we have left is God, and that we may be closer to that point than we thought we were. It sounds kind of depressing, like something I’d shout into the phone at Joe at 3 PM when I’m exhausted and the baby won’t nap and someone just spilled yogurt on the wall (“ALL I HAVE LEFT IS GOD!!!”), but it’s really quite inspiring. To go through a mid-life crisis and to come out the other side is to go through a process of purification, in which you accept the things that are gone, and realize that they were were never the source of true happiness to begin with.

Her collection of posts on spiritual dryness has been inspiring to me, and really helpful on a number of levels. For one, I had never heard of this idea (or a “Dark Night of the Soul,” as Saint John of the Cross described it) until about 8 years ago, when I was describing to a friend my horrible experiences with hyperemesis and the deep depression I felt the second time through it. I’d been blessed with great consolations in my faith as a child, and when I lacked them during my second pregnancy, it was panic-inducing.

…While I had great hope each day when I was pregnant with Big Girl, it was not so this time. When the HG struck me, I went into a deep depression. My OB sent me directly to the same high-risk OB as last time, and I was put on Thorazine right away. This time, though, it didn’t work as well. Whereas, with Big Girl, each night I went to sleep thinking that the next day might be better, this time I went to sleep thinking, “I have 20 weeks of this hell to get through.” It was devastating to my Faith. I knew God was there, but I felt abandoned. I could not feel Him there at all. I could not even pray. I brought my father to tears when I asked him why God was punishing me. I never, ever considered abortion with either pregnancy, but this time I would wish for miscarriage just so the pain would end. …

Only later, when talking about it with a friend, did I ever hear of spiritual dryness or dark nights. While I had never doubted God was there, many times the only thing I could think of when I wanted to pray was part of Psalm 22: My God, my God! Why have You forsaken me?

And yet, once she mentioned this to me, I began to see it in other places, too. Many saints experienced the same thing, and when I learned that Blessed Mother Teresa had a dark night of the soul that lasted nearly 40 years, it brought me to tears. Here was a woman, I thought, who never doubted God’s existence and worked to fulfill His will for her, even when she had no consolations. It’s a comfort to know that not only ordinary people, but even those we look to as saints, experience this dryness.

By Tom Bayly from England (British Night Sky Uploaded by russavia) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

This past Lent, I began to feel this spiritual dryness. Occasionally, I’d get a break-through of emotion and feel graces flowing, but most, it’s been dry. I feel rotten about my own prayer because it feels so rote. I don’t feel as though I’m growing spiritually, and it’s a struggle to fulfill even the most basic of spiritual tasks.

It’s Easter, and all my Catholic friends are rejoicing and Alleluia-ing everywhere. And I’m here struggling to get to evening Mass or sit through Adoration. I pray “Alleluia” during Lauds and Vespers, but I don’t feel it. I know He is Risen (truly, He is risen!), and yet my heart doesn’t feel it.

And yet I know that if I persevere in prayer and continue to feed my soul by going to Mass when I don’t feel like it, praying a Rosary when I’m not in the mood, maintaining my morning and evening prayers, that this is like watering and feeding plants during a drought: the roots will grow deeper and stronger, and when the drought is over, big things can happen.

Saint Thomas Aquinas

And so I’m trying to thank God for the dryness I’m still experiencing. If I keep going, I will grow in maturity. If I maintain and pray anyway, I will grow stronger. If I wait on the Lord, He will not disappoint. I know this. And what I’m also grateful for is that I even know this. It’s such a help to understand that it’s not bad that spiritual dryness happens. It’s not my fault. It’s not wrong. It’s okay. God is here with me in the darkness, even if I can’t see Him. The words of Saint Thomas Aquinas – though meant to describe the Eucharist – also apply here:

Faith for all defects supplying,
Where the feeble senses fail.

At some point, I’m sure that consolation will return, and I’ll cry tears of joy for it. But in the meantime, I’m going to keep feeding my soul whether I feel it or not. And I’ll thank God for His mercy and love, even when I don’t feel it readily.

Rejected Stones

I swear, you’re going to start thinking this blog is about nothing but the Liturgy of the Hours.

Last night, while praying Vespers, I had a bit of a lightbulb moment as I read the New Testament reading:

READING 1 Peter 2:4-5

Come to the Lord, a living stone, rejected by men but approved, nonetheless, and precious in God’s eyes. You too are living stones, built as an edifice of spirit into a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

Quo Vadis? by Annibale Carracci

Jesus is the Living Cornerstone, rejected by the builders, Who makes us living stones to build up His Church.

And, if the world rejects the Cornerstone, chances are they aren’t going to be really fond of the rest of the stones God gives them, either. I’ve really been stuck lately thinking about the world’s rejection of Christian influence – at least in Western culture. I am not being defeatist about it, for I know Who wins in the end. And my hope is not in this world – in princes or governments or their laws – but is in Christ Jesus Himself. And I know that no matter how bad things get, the gates of Hell will never prevail against God’s Church. I’ll always have a home on earth in the Church, and if I stick with her, she’ll get me to Heaven to my real home.

But I can’t get away from the idea that we are moving rapidly into a time when the Culture of Death reigns in America.

I’ve heard some Christians say that America is the world’s best hope, but this is completely untrue. Jesus Himself said that the world would hate us, just as it hated Him. He calls on us to pick up our crosses and follow Him. He promised persecution. And we won’t be spared just because we love the Lord and strive to do His will. To think so would be heresy. God promised us the opposite in this life, as a matter of fact.

When we become living stones in the Lord’s Church, we’ll get the same treatment as Jesus did. It won’t all be dark, but we certainly are not to be spared our share of sufferings in the name of the Lord. Some will be small ones – perhaps someone attempts to slander you unfairly – and some will be larger ones – perhaps you risk fines and jail for refusing to obey an unjust law.

What really matters is what we do with our sufferings. God knows we’ll try to avoid them when we can, but when we cannot … then what?

Do we offer these sufferings up as Jesus did, for the good of others? Do we bear all wrongs patiently, as Jesus did? Do we accept that sometimes, despite our best efforts, we have rough patches to go through? Do we show our mourning or do we wash our faces and present ourselves to the world as people with an inner, sublime kind of joy?

Lord, help me bear my sufferings with patience. Allow me the graces to endure to the end for Your name’s sake. May all I do and say give you glory and further the interests of You and your Holy Church.

Genius of the Church

Dominican Sisters Praying the Divine Office

I’ve started praying morning and evening prayers (Lauds and Vespers, respectively), and I’ve noticed a few things.

First, I noticed that they dovetail quite nicely with the day’s Mass readings, and when you start with Lauds, move to Mass later in the day, then finish with Vespers, you see a real pattern and are able to truly contemplate the Gospel and its ties to the Old Testament. It’s a way to contemplate the Bible in a very connected way. And when you must stop your day to read from Scripture again, you must slow down and meditate on the message imparted to us by Holy Mother Church.

Breviary of Franciscan Use (15th Century)

After all, it’s the Church who not only compiled what we now call The Bible, but also who set up the cycle of readings for both daily Mass (a two-year cycle) and Sunday Mass (a three-year cycle) – cycles that guide us through most of the Bible in that time, all the while showing us how the Old Testament points to the New, and the New Testament reflects upon the Old.

This alone ought to make people stop in wonder at the genius of the Church!

But there’s more. Lately, I’ve noticed that the prayers we pray in Lauds and Vespers could have been written last month in order to help us through the times we are in. Here’s a sample from today’s Lauds (Morning Prayer):

Psalm 108
Praise of God and a plea for help
Since the Son of God has been exalted above the heavens, his glory is proclaimed through all the earth (Arnobius).

My heart is ready, O God;
I will sing, sing your praise.
Awake, my soul;
awake, lyre and harp.
I will awake the dawn.

I will thank you, Lord, among the peoples,
among the nations I will praise you,
for your love reaches to the heavens
and your truth to the skies.
O God, arise above the heavens;
may your glory shine on earth!

O come and deliver your friends;
help with your right hand and reply.
From his holy place God has made this promise:
“I will triumph and divide the land of Shechem;
I will measure out the valley of Succoth.

Gilead is mine and Manasseh.
Ephraim I take for my helmet,
Judah for my commander’s staff.
Moab I will use for my washbowl,
on Edom I will plant my shoe.
Over the Philistines I will shout in triumph.”

But who will lead me to conquer the fortress?
Who will bring me face to face with Edom?
Will you utterly reject us, O God,
and no longer march with our armies?

Give us help against the foe:
for the help of man is vain.
With God we shall do bravely
and he will trample down our foes.

Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit:
– as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be for ever. Amen.

And the Intercessions for today:

INTERCESSIONS

Christ, the splendor of the Father’s glory, enlightens us with his word. With deep love we call upon him:
– Hear us, King of eternal glory.

Blessed are you, the alpha and the omega of our faith,
for you called us out of darkness into your marvelous light.
– Hear us, King of eternal glory.

You enabled the blind to see, the deaf to hear,
help our unbelief.
– Hear us, King of eternal glory.

Lord, keep us in your love, preserve our community,
do not let us become separated from one another.
– Hear us, King of eternal glory.

Give us strength in temptation, endurance in trial,
and gratitude in prosperity.
– Hear us, King of eternal glory.

If I wanted to pray and ask God to help me in this Fortnight for Freedom, I would have written prayers that said similar things (though not as well) as these prayers that are set out for us by the Church. Not last week, not last month or even last year. This ancient form of prayer was set down long before our present troubles. And this fact gives me great hope and courage.

Our troubled times are not the first to be faced by Christians. While I know in my head that certainly the persecutions the Church faces in America today are by no means anywhere nearly as bad as the persecutions of the early Church, sometimes the shock that it’s happening here – in our land with religious freedom written into the law – causes me to forget how good our situation still is.  And reading and praying these prayers daily reminds me that, not only am I not the first one to face a government or society that hates me, I am also not alone in this matter on this day. In other countries, far worse happens to Christians daily. They cannot go to daily Mass without fear of being killed for doing so. They cannot openly talk about their faith or wear a Crucifix or even explain the faith to a friend.

Praying the Divine Office helps me remember this, and reminds me to pray for my brethren around the world who face persecution much worse than anything I experience.

And when I pray the Divine Office, I am also reminded that I am praying with other Christians around the world for the same intentions. We unite our prayers, we pray the same universal prayers. There’s real power in that.

Saint Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle…

There are some Christians who do not understand how Catholics can pray these written-down prayers. It seems formulaic, dry. But for someone who wants to pray in union with others, there’s nothing quite like being able to comfortably call up words to a prayer already written that perfectly sums up how you feel and what you need. It provides us with a real unity that freeform prayer does not give. When I pray the St. Michael Prayer with my family, we can all pray in unison the exact same sentiment – and vocalize it together. For me, there’s a palpable power when that happens. And I love the way we can succinctly pray for what we need at that moment. While some people might say it’s taking the easy way out, I see it more as a “why reinvent the wheel?” moment. If someone has written a beautiful prayer that says exactly what I want to say, and I know that prayer (and I mean what it says), why not reverently say those words?

So it is with the Divine Office. It’s a way for me to pray the Psalms in a structured way, to center my day around the Lord by beginning my day with prayers asking for His assistance throughout the day, and for asking His protection through the night as I end my day with Vespers.

The Divine Office is a way for me to pray for intentions I, frankly, might not be thinking of because I’m too wrapped up in my own selfish little world. It reminds me to look to God throughout the day and rest in Him throughout the night.

And all of these are good things.

Sanctification Through Simplicity

Fr. Longnecker has a beautiful post up about what he calls “supernatural normalcy” and how it is incredibly frustrating to the Devil.  I absolutely love it!  He explains that what really ticks off Old Scratch is the idea that we can live our lives with a holiness, a humility, and a certain kind of hidden-ness that shows God’s graces in our lives.

Done with Love

It reminds me of St. Therese and her Little Way, not to mention the many, many saints who follow a similar path.  Even Opus Dei teaches that your life is a path to sanctification and that we can become holy through our everyday activities.  My holiness might not be in doing great things out in the world.  My holiness will come through living my vocation – wife, mother, homeschooler – to the best of my abilities.  I might not be able to march against injustices or be out giving speeches, but I am able to hug my children when they are sad, iron a shirt for my husband, wash the pots and pans after dinner, do laundry for my children, cook a meal … these are the things that make me a holier person when I do them with love.

And our family, just by existing, drives Satan mad.  That my husband is loving and faithful, that he is working to be a better Catholic (and, therefore, a better man), that he is a good example to our daughters of what kind of man they should marry … these things fight against the darkness that is enveloping our world.

Father Longnecker also gives us a perfect example: Mary:

This way of ‘supernatural normalcy’ is the way of the Blessed Virgin. She doesn’t jump out from the pages of the New Testament as some sort of Superwoman or Heroic Saint. That’s because she is ordinary. She if ‘full of grace’ and therefore she seems to be totally and utterly natural and real. She is all that she was created to be and therefore she does not seem to be extraordinary. She is as natural and beautiful as a morning in May. She is as natural and virginal as a virgin forest.

It therefore takes a discerning spirit and a finely tuned spiritual sense to find such souls. They are difficult to find not only because they are humble and hidden, but because they are ‘normal’. If you told them they were holy and that you wanted to sit at their feet they would laugh and tell you they are not holy and that you have made a mistake. They don’t seem extraordinary, and yet for those who have eyes to see they are very extraordinary indeed.

The Simple Life can Sanctify

This is what I need to remember when I feel badly that I can’t get to 40 Days for Life more often, or when I have to miss the March for Life, or when I cannot go to a weekend of uplifting talks given by leading theologians.  I need to remember that my little life, hidden here in the mountains of Southwest Virginia, is my path to holiness.  That my path is made more perfect when I live my vocation, that I am sanctified by the duties of my life that, frankly, can seem dreary at times.

But when I do them with love, and do them to give glory to God, who gave me my vocation, sanctification comes!  Graces are given!

And I fight back against the Devil.

In ONE HOUR?!?!?

I teach second grade Sunday school at my parish (CCD, religious education, Christian formation, PREP … whatever you want to call it … can we please come up with a consistant name for this activity?).

This Sunday, in my single hour of time allotted (if not shorter due to the longer Mass tomorrow), I am supposed to cover both Holy Week and Easter.

Both.

In. One. Hour.

Folks, I could spend an entire hour just on the Easter Vigil. Mind you, I’m a bit partial to this, the Mother of All Masses, but still … does anyone think I’ll be able to do everything from Palm Sunday to Easter justice in the time I’ve got?

If you’re a Catholic parent who thinks that Sunday school has it all covered, you are deluding yourself. I’ve got about half a dozen handouts for my class because I cannot possibly cover it. And I know I’ll get excited about one thing or another (Oooh! Institution of the Eucharist! Oh! Stations of the Cross! Oh, my! Veneration of the Cross! Eegad! The Easter Vigil!), so I won’t finish it all.

Parents, remember that YOU are the primary educator of your children. Please don’t leave it up to the teachers on Sundays (or Wednesdays, or whenever you drop them off). We cannot do it all! We can’t do it justice!

I feel pressured to get so deep into things because I am certain that there are some children who don’t get any religious education at home. I’ve got one pair of darling girls whose parents are divorced and, if I understood them correctly, their mother (primary custodian, I think) is a Unitarian. They were shocked to hear that they are supposed to be going to Mass every week. Every Sunday. I know they’ve heard it before, but I don’t think it sunk in. (I know they heard it because I had them two years ago for CCD, too. I always tell my kids that they should go every week.)

If there is one thing I regret, it’s that my CCD wasn’t deep enough. How many people who received Communion with me and were Confirmed with me four years later have fallen away from the Church because of a lack of information?

Please, parents! Help your children attain Heaven! Teach them at home, too! Don’t think of the Faith as a “Sunday thing.” Live the Faith! Love the Faith! Teach the Faith to your children!

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About Daughters of Mary, Mother of Israel’s Hope

Saint Louis Catholic has an interview with Rosalind Moss about the order she is starting. Have I mentioned lately just how much I love Rosalind? How I wish I could meet her to tell her how much I love her and appreciate all the work she’s done explaining the Faith – especially to cradle Catholics like me!

May God abundantly bless this new order!

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You Never Know What Someone Sees in You

I’ve been debating whether or not to post this, but have decided to do it, not because it makes me look good, but because it made my day to hear it.

Big Girl is the only Catholic on her sports teams. Most of the kids play most of the sports offered (soccer, basketball, and baseball/T-ball), and the teams tend to be the same children again and again. It’s really very nice because the children get to know each other and form excellent friendships.

There is a family whose children play on the same team as Big Girl, and their mother and I often will talk during practices. We talk about family, news events, politics, and faith. (It’s kind of like blogging! LOL!) I learned more than a year ago that this lovely lady and her husband are fallen-away Catholics. I occasionally say a prayer for them, but their love of the Lord is quite obvious. Mostly, the only thing I feel sad about is that they were unable to find such joy within the Church. But there isn’t a bad thing I could possibly say about the family. After raising their “own kids,” this woman and her husband have gone on to adopt four more children. And they are just so sweet, all of them!

But I do feel a little sad that they aren’t Catholic any more. I always feel sad when I hear someone left the Church for any reason.

Well, I know that during practice, I can’t usually do anything too intricate because I’ll wind up talking a lot with my friend. So I sometimes bring my Rosary kit and make Rosaries for the missions. (This is an interesting thing to do around all the Evangelical kids whose older siblings are practicing because then I can give them a simple, yet correct, explanation of what the Rosary is for. Some of them help me string the beads, and I occasionally wonder what their mothers would think of that!) We talked a great deal one week about her youth and growing up Catholic. She was quite devout at one time, and her husband is actually a convert (“It didn’t take,” she said of it). A couple of weeks later, her youngest was helping me string Rosaries as we chatted about different things regarding faith. I have, all this time, been just myself. I don’t hide that I’m Catholic, to be sure, but I’m also not very in-your-face. Wearing my Rosary shirt (“Have You Talked to Your Mother Today?” with the Scriptural references for the Hail Mary) is about as close as I get to that. But it’s pretty obvious that I really love being Catholic.

At one point during this conversation, she said, “You know, I like talking to you. You remind me of my childhood and all the good things about being Catholic.”

It completely made my week. One of the best things anyone has ever said to me.

But the glory for that belongs firmly in the Hands of our Lord. Without His guidance and His grace, I would never been any kind of example – or even a very happy Catholic. Without His mercy, I would be a grumbler about all the things I see wrong. Instead, I’ve been allowed to have a little of God’s light shine through me. Just a little. I’m honored and blessed to have it so.

Thank You, God, for Your mercy and grace and goodness! Thank You for allowing me to be a little light in Your Kingdom!

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Beautiful Love Stories for Valentine’s Day

Found via CNS News Hub:

• Couple celebrates 83rd wedding anniversary (Be sure to check out their family by the numbers in the sidebar!)
• Five siblings who have all celebrated their 50th wedding anniversaries (No relation to the previous couple.)

For me to celebrate my 83rd anniversary, I’d have to live past my 106th birthday. Of course, I really want to live to see the Tricentenial of America, and if I do, both events will be the same year.

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Dying to Self

I have a long way to go.

Hat tip: Esther

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Blessings Made Apparent

Today is my anniversary, and I have to say that I am so completely blessed by God to have my husband as my helpmate. I am overwhelmed with the blessing he is in my life. He is the most wonderful husband I could ever have asked for or dreamt of. He loves me, he loves our children, and he loves God. And not in that order, either.

And I know that God has taken care of me in exactly the way He knew I needed to be cared for. And that He chose exactly who I was meant to be with.

Thank God for my husband. He is a real man, a godly man, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the world.

Not. For. Anything.

Christine